The Burden
Believe me, nothing can make you feel like a burden more than being sick and not looking it. Lately, it has been the story of my life and I think it stresses me and depresses me more than the cancer.
What people don't understand about long-term survivorship
In the beginning, people surround you with love, compassion, hope, and understanding. But, as you continue your journey in this awful world, the people stop coming. They stop asking how you feel and helping you out. They act like "Oh, no active cancer? You can do it yourself". Lately, I've experienced this entirely too much. Coming up on my 6th year of living with lung cancer, I haven't had active cancer in 5 years. So, what does this mean? It means everyone thinks I'm cured. They think I'm totally better and should return to a normal life.
What they don't understand is I take a daily targeted pill for my cancer to stay away. They also don't know that pill will eventually quit working. They don't know the side effects of the medication. My biggest side effect is fatigue. For instance, today I haven't gotten out of bed. I feel so heavy, my eyes keep closing, and I'm sweating like crazy.
Feeling left behind...
I had a bad confrontation with my daughter's father yesterday that spurred me to write this. All I did when I got home was cry.
My daughter had her volleyball championship game yesterday. I usually sit with him and his girlfriend. In the past, I've saved a seat for him at every function, even his girlfriend. When I arrived, the entire row was taken up by her family. No one saved a seat for me. I got so upset and I don't think it was over the seat. I feel they think I'm okay and can just sit by myself. In my mind, I feel like they are moving on without me, but with my daughter. She's my daughter and I don't want to give her up, ever. I want to always be a part of everything and show her that her parents still have a solid foundation based on friendship. Unfortunately, now I just feel like a burden. I said something to him about not saving a seat and he flipped out.
I moved to the other side of the gym. He tried to apologize but it was the worst apology in the world. It was more like an explanation as to why I didn't have a seat. Totally something I would normally ever care about, but this time I did and it hurt so much.
Everyone deserves support
This cancer not only takes a physical toll on your body but a mental toll as well. My daughter happened to be serving at the point he began yelling at me and she heard everything. She turned to me after the play and mouthed, "Don't worry about him".
Well my darling, I have to for the rest of my life. I have no family here, so he is the closest thing I have. As he was ranting he threw in my face, "I do so much for you and this is how you always treat me". This statement couldn't be farther from the truth. He does stuff for his daughter when I can't.
My biggest fear
To wrap it up, just because we look well, doesn't mean we are. And for those who know us, please remember, we see the world differently now. I tried to apologize to him because normal people don't get mad at that.
But I'm not normal in that respect anymore. I'm scared and I needed him to make me feel less alone. But he doesn't do that anymore. I'm friends with his girlfriend. I want my daughter not to experience any fighting, she has enough on her plate. Furthermore, I have no feelings for my ex. I fear being alone but I fear being a burden the most.
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