Not Everyone Understands
Last updated: May 2018
So, I debated about writing about this for quite some time. No one likes to admit they failed. I did fail, I failed in my marriage. I feel like it’s completely my fault, but I know it’s not. Sometimes we think we can handle anything that comes our way. That’s not true. I began falling apart with the deaths of some really great people from lung cancer.
Over the summer, I started going out more and more and wasn’t taking my family into account. But in that same respect, it was like a cry for help that no one picked up on. I realize that now. It began slowly at first. Fights over little things, such as doing the dishes, but the little things add up. We also weren’t agreeing over how to raise our children. We really should have gotten to know each other before getting married, but you live and learn.
Brent and I had a whirlwind romance. We met in early 2015. We were engaged by the summer and married in March of 2016. We never gave time for the “honeymoon period” to be over. Things may have been different if so.
Smiling to Hide the Pain
The hardest thing about being a survivor is losing the friends you made in this little club that no one really wants to join. My friends started getting sick and a few passed away. Physically, I put a smile on my face. Emotionally, I felt like I was dying inside. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I’m usually a fun person. So, I went to my psychiatrist and was given a new medication to help with the fatigue and depression.
I suddenly felt like I needed to go out and not be at home. I’m not sure why, I guess it was me not wanting to be settled down. This comes from the “you have terminal cancer” reality. I feel like I won’t be around when my daughter, Karley, goes off to college. So the nights her dad had her, I would go out, a lot. My husband didn’t sign up for this. He had done his fair share of living. But being at home so much made me feel like I was missing something. I don’t know what, but it cost me my marriage.
Now, I’m back in church and am still going out a night a week to get out. I don’t want to feel like I’m dead before I really am. Financially, I’m strapped now, so it’s going to be tough to go do anything, but honestly, I can just sit and talk to people and be totally fine.
Brent is an amazing man. He put up with my crazy for so long, he deserves a medal. But, he and (my step-daughter) Livi did deserve better. My life is like a hurricane and it’s too much for some people. I’m working on that, but he is so laid back that it took a lot for him to decide to separate too. We tried talking it out, but we could never put ourselves in each other’s shoes.
Realizing My Own Stregnth
But, what I’ve taken from this experience is that I can do this. I can be alone with my daughter and fight this. I have friends around that I know would totally help me out. And in the end, I think we are not only both happier now, but better people for trying as much as we did.
I don’t regret any of the choices I’ve made. I do regret not seeking more help when I needed it. But now I’ve realized what’s important. My daughter and my happiness are what we need. We have our love, and it’s unconditional, no strings attached kind of love. I just want to be me. And if that means I’m crazy, well, it’ll take a strong person to put up with my crazy. I’m just blessed to be strong enough to be independent. Don’t underestimate yourself. You are too. People want to help, let them. But make yourself happy. This is your one life to do it.
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