3:00 AM Thoughts

The other night, it's 3:00 am and I'm awake - FINALLY!! Opdivo really knocked me on my butt this time. Friday and Saturday, I felt great (well, not great, but you know) but since Sunday, I have basically just slept non-stop. Constant naps. Up for about an hour then another 3 hour nap. This is one of the side effects of Opdivo and although I only sleep for a few days, and I complain, chemo was always worse.

My racing thoughts

It feels GREAT!! Finally, I slept. Now my mind is racing and I'm wide awake...... Upset stomach is going away, grogginess is gone, exhaustion is gone. Don't get me wrong, I could lay back down and sleep another 4 hours but it feels so good right now, I want to go take a walk or something.

Being awake in the middle of the night has its drawbacks too. You think of the oddest things:

What is my grandson dreaming about? What will my future hold? So excited to spend Memorial Day with all 7 of my children for the first time in over 5 years. Grateful for everything - and I mean everything - the amount of help and support I receive is overwhelming. Why do people sweat the small stuff? Will it snow again? The health of my children and grandchild. The love of my children and grandchildren. My daily phone calls from my children (LOL) - times 7 - at times can be challenging but I love it especially when some call me 3 or 4 times a day. It's great to feel loved.

Yeah, I'm losing it - I think of the oddest things in the middle of the night! I am sitting up alone while everyone else is sleeping so it is hard for my mind not to wander. My chemo brain is so bad I usually don't even remember what I was thinking about the next morning, but it is my time to think, pray and be grateful for all I've been given.

Grateful for every milestone

When my physician said the words, "You have lung cancer," I immediately thought my life was over. But here I am 5 years later and life is wonderful. Since then I've gained two more grandchildren. One child got married. Another got engaged and is planning a 2020 wedding. There are so many milestones that I am so grateful for.

Laughter is the best medicine

I may have cancer but cancer does not have me. My youngest daughter goes to each treatment with me. We sit there and try to get a smile from the overworked nurses. We laugh and carry on like two teenagers. My daughter once wrote on her Facebook, "You can choose to be sad and sit in a corner and deteriorate, or you can enjoy life." I'm trying for the latter. I will admit, it's hard sometimes, but overall we laugh till we cry about the stupidest things.

Don't they say, Laughter is the Best Medicine? So when you wake up tonight, next week, next month...just laugh. Don't do anything first. Laugh first - then everything won't seem so bad.

Editor’s Note: We are extremely saddened to say that on January 28, 2020, Jennifer Toth passed away. Jennifer was a passionate advocate for the Lung Cancer community. She will be deeply missed.