A Long Stay in the Dark Hole

I started a new treatment in March of 2020 on Taxotere. In August, we adjusted my treatment by reducing the dose slightly and adding an additional week from once every three weeks to once every four weeks. Wow. What a long time in the dark hole of depression and loss of hope. I haven’t met a fellow cancer survivor that hasn’t experienced time in the dark hole. We all vary on length of time spent, and what we did to find our way out.

A recent hospital stay...

I recently spent a week in the hospital. Since the reduction in dose, I just had not felt good. The pain. Oh, the pain. New pain. Enough pain to convince me the Taxotere wasn’t working. Enough pain to convince me I was going to reach the end sooner than I am prepared for. Then came the week in the hospital.

Finally I have better news

Turns out, I have issues unrelated to my cancer, however side effects from treatment and medications. All fixable. FINALLY, an answer. An answer that encourages me to have hope again. An answer to help me find my strength to climb out of the dark hole I had spent many months in. Finally, better news.

Follow-up news from my scans

Scans happened a few days ago. More good news! No new growth, and reduction in several locations. More reasons to climb out of the dark hole and get back on the train of hope.

I have metastasis to the brain, adrenal glands, and lymph nodes. That is a lot of places for cancer to harbor and bring misery to anyone’s life. Stage IV. When you research, not many of us are alive in five years. Knowing the statistics can add to your stress when you don’t feel good, and your symptoms are new. I am going on my fourth year of survival. It is easy (for me) to rush to judgment and slide quickly down the slope into the dark hole when the symptoms are new.

Staying present and hopeful in light of good news

The dark hole. Visited several times. Some stays have been shorter than others. I will most likely visit the dark hole again. For now? I am going to enjoy the ride on the train of hope. The train that can crash through anything!

Editor’s Note: We are extremely saddened to say that on May 7, 2021, Ronda Beaty passed away. Ronda’s advocacy efforts and writings continue to reach many. She will be deeply missed.