My Experience With Chemo

I began chemotherapy on December 10, 2014, and it lasted for about a month. My oncologist said I was one of her most fit patients, as I tolerated chemo quite well—at least for the most part.

The first session went smoothly, and I felt somewhat lucky for not experiencing the typical side effects people talk about. But that changed during my second session when something terrifying happened.

Facing fear and finding strength

Suddenly, my heart rate spiked to over 100. The nurses didn't know what to do and had to call my oncologist.

Fear surged through me. I thought this was it. Chemotherapy was going to take me. I was scared beyond belief.

Thankfully, they gave me Ativan and my heart rate started to drop. As the panic subsided, I felt relief wash over me, but the experience shook me deeply.

Even though chemo was meant to save me, in that moment, it felt like my body was betraying me. Still, I pushed through, knowing that every session was a step closer to possibly remission.

When cancer becomes a family's struggle

Two of my kids were there during that scary chemotherapy session when my heart rate spiked. The look of fear on their faces will forever be etched in my mind.

Seeing them so frightened was unbearable. It magnified the fear my husband and I were already feeling. I hated that they had to witness that moment.

It wasn't just my struggle anymore; it was something we were all facing together. I wanted so badly to shield them from the reality of what was happening, but there was no escaping it.

Their fear became mine, deepening the already overwhelming anxiety I felt during treatment.

After that terrifying experience during chemotherapy, the fear lingered long after my treatment was over. It wasn't just physical exhaustion anymore. Now I was dealing with trauma.

The memory of my heart rate spiking and thinking chemo might kill me haunted me, triggering more frequent panic attacks. I dreaded going back for my final session, afraid something might go wrong again. That fear consumed me, making it hard to find peace even though I knew I had to finish the treatment.

Life after chemo

Once I finally completed my chemo, there was a slow but steady shift. I began regaining my strength, both physically and mentally. The panic attacks started to subside, though it took time for me to trust my body again. I felt so relieved to be done with chemo; the day it was over, I was overwhelmed with happiness and gratitude.

But I made a promise to myself that day I would never go through chemotherapy again. The experience had left its mark, but I was determined to move forward, embracing life with a renewed sense of strength and courage.

Thankfully, after that ordeal, the worst of the side effects seemed to subside. But the rest of chemo was still incredibly challenging.

I found myself constantly exhausted, struggling just to get out of bed some days. Fatigue became my constant companion, and eating became difficult. Food lost all appeal, and I could barely muster an appetite.

Though I got through the rest of chemo, the emotional toll and the fatigue were reminders of how taxing the treatment was on both my body and my family.