Here Is My Story
I look down and see an array of cars and other vehicles blaring horn continuously and competing to reach where?? It makes no sense to me coz I too was running to reach somewhere when God decided to apply brakes. So people don't honk continuously it is of no use, you are not going to apply brakes in your life someone else will so take a chill pill, let the car overtake you, don't shout, don't abuse, it won't help you anyway.
Each day is full of shocks and surprises, I am constantly worried if my cancer is spreading, I know I have no say in it and I can't do anything but to worry is human I guess. I had read the book Tuesdays with Morrie, I guess a long time back (before my diagnosis) and had liked it. I am reading it now and the words sound so true to me now.
As mentioned in the book, the day I was diagnosed I looked out of the hospital window and saw the world moving on as usual. School kids going to school, cars overtaking, people talking on mobile phones whereas I expected the world to stop. I had a terminal diagnosis how can others go on with their lives as usual?
A change in perspective
I realized soon that we all suffer from the spotlight syndrome; we always expect and believe the spotlight is on us when in reality it isn't. World will go on no matter what, you are only a tiny part of it, your presence/ absence doesn't make much of a difference. I learned it the hard way I wish people realize it quicker than wasting their lives on running behind stuff that makes no sense to them.
I understand people find it hard to digest that I have cancer, I don't know if it's hereditary, I am no researcher to analyze my DNA. I wish to believe it isn't hereditary so I am the chosen one and others are spared. Not coz I am ready to sacrifice my life, but I know I needed a change/ push in my life and God decided to give me a good push and go sort out your life, realize the mess and do something about it.
My lung cancer and my son
The only person in the world who can make me cry in this world is my son. He is a delayed kid and getting on with normal life now. I realized yesterday that we underestimate kids a lot. My son started talking when he was 4, so naturally, I expected him to be late in everything even understanding human emotions, but he has proved me wrong on a couple of occasions.
He asked me yesterday about something that happened 2 years back, he was 8 then. I along with my parents was going to a hospital (to kind of finalize my diagnosis) and I didn't know what to tell my son or how long I would be gone. He went to school as usual in the morning and in the evening instead of me and my parents he was greeted by my inlaws. He asked me yesterday why didn't you tell me mummy that you were leaving, why did you leave without telling me? I said I was sick and I didn't know what to tell you. Yes, an 8-year-old delayed kid has emotions. Maybe he can't express it ( he had speech delay) but he understands everything. I wish I had an easier life. I sometimes want to scream out to the world that cancer is a disease anyone can get it, does it make me sadistic? But that's the truth. Many times you don't even have an answer to the question
Published by Anu
I'm a stage 4 lung cancer patient. This blog is not an attempt at writing it's just an act of unloading my emotions (not aimed at hurting/insulting anyone; entirely my version of my life). Keep reading!
Does your lung cancer diagnosis impact you financially?