What's Scarier Than Cancer?

I didn't care if I talked to anyone except my friends and family after my initial diagnosis.  The oncologist just told me I have stage 4 lung cancer, which isn't curable but can be treated. It's insane the dumbest things that run through your mind when you think you have 12-18 months to live. Honestly, I was thinking, "I'll never have to see a dentist again!".  And I was sad I would miss the rest of the Hunger Games trilogy although I read the books.

I wouldn't change a thing

How naive of me! It must have been complete denial I was in. I recklessly maxed out my credit cards and took my daughter on so many vacations. We traveled around the country and built some amazing memories. However, by the end of 2017, I filed for bankruptcy. I could no longer afford my medical bills and credit card payments. Luckily, I was allowed to keep my car because I had less than $5,000 in equity in it and I am in a rental.

I know you might be thinking, "She's insane". But, I wouldn't change a thing. Being diagnosed at such a young age made me realize that I'm not immortal and will not live until the ripe old age of 96. Sometimes life is cut short. It's a blessing when you begin to realize this and start living instead of worrying about success, financial or prideful. You leave this earth without your job title and paycheck. You never see a u-haul following a hearse.

Our children are resilient

As for our children, they will be okay. Throughout history, children have lost a parent and been able to continue on and do great things. Of course, they will always miss us, but we all know we would rather be the ones that are sick. I would die for my child. My mother is so strong as she struggles with me and goes to all my appointments. I'm not sure how she is able to do it. I am emotional over a sprained ankle (my daughter seems to do that a lot).

The scariest moment of my life...

The scariest moment in my life was when I received a call at work. This occurred before my diagnosis. She was at her after school care and running around in the hall when she shouldn't have been. She ran into another boy headfirst and bounced back hitting the wall so hard the electrical socket cover came off. The call was initially for a bloody nose.

My daughter gets nosebleeds a lot. She doesn't mind them and she doesn't cry. When they told me she was crying, I knew something wasn't right. Since they called both her father and me, I told him I would get her. When I arrived she was lethargic and disoriented. Her eyes kept rolling to the back of her head and she was covered in blood. It was the scariest moment of my life because she is the most important thing in my life.

The owner carried her to the car for me and I immediately went to one of the emergency clinics. I had to carry her, which was hard for me because I'm little compared to her. My adrenaline worked in overdrive. Some patients helped me get her in. The doctor took one look at her and said, "go to the ER stat, I'm calling them now".

I was in panic mode. As I was driving to the hospital I kept telling her to stay awake. It was hard for her but she did. Her father met me at the ER and carried her in. She was immediately taken back after her pupils weren't responding properly. That's when they informed me that they were going to do an MRI but were getting the helicopter ready to send her to a trauma center. I couldn't breathe, or speak, or anything. All I could do was cry and hold her hand.

Real fear is living without my daughter

The MRI came back showing only a concussion, no damage to the brain. That's the day I learned what real fear is. It's not myself leaving this earth, it's having to try and go on without my daughter. My mind cannot go there anymore. So, through this struggle, I remind myself that this is happening to me, not her. And for that, I'm grateful.