Don’t Ask. Do Tell.

I recently attended an advocate conference where the speakers were discussing how to appropriately respond to insensitive questions. Attendees were from dozens of disease types, with six of us attendees representing the lung cancer community.

The speakers highlighted three types of responses: Passive, Aggressive and Assertive.

Answering the question: "Did you smoke?"

I immediately thought about how many times I had been asked that infamous question: "Did you smoke?"

Over the years, I have used all three types of responses. Right after my diagnosis, I responded passively, with a feeling of shame for having smoked. I quit 26 years before my diagnosis. Within an hour of my diagnosis, I returned to work and someone there asked me that question.

I felt humiliated.

Think about it. I had just been told I have cancer. Shame is not a feeling a newly diagnosed cancer patient should be experiencing.

No one learns or grows

Back to the recent conference speaker, she went on to say that when someone feels shame or embarrassment from an insensitive or inappropriate question, the person asking the question picks up on that body language and as a result may feel pity for the person. (Unfortunately, when it comes to lung cancer some may even contempt as if to say, "Well, you should have known better than to smoke.")

The point is, when we respond passively, neither the person asking the question nor the one asked has benefited.

Likewise, when someone responds aggressively to such a question, there is no meaningful communication. No one learns. No one grows.

We should all be a little more sensitive

One time I spoke harshly to my aunt in a phone conversation. I was still struggling to find an appropriate answer to that question and kind of lashed out at her for asking.

My aunt said, "Well, I can see this is a sensitive subject for you."

"Yes, it is," I responded. "And maybe you should be a bit more sensitive, as well."

How do I answer smoking questions?

I am no longer offended by that question. I have been asked so often that if I got offended every time someone asked, I would remain in a perpetual state of offense. Besides, in truth, before my diagnosis, I had asked someone that very same question.

Now, I use the opportunity to enlighten the asker. I like to think this is an assertive response -- not too passive, not too aggressive. Here is how I usually respond.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I am a former smoker. I quit smoking 26 years before my diagnosis. I was surprised to learn that most people diagnosed with lung cancer either never smoked or like me quit smoking years before their diagnosis."

If the person seems receptive, and we have time, I share more lung cancer facts. For example, I might add, “Everyone knows the number one cause of lung cancer but few know the number two cause of lung cancer, which is radon. According to the EPA, approximately 20,000 Americans die from radon-induced lung cancer.”

Let's enlighten others to end the stigma

In a perfect world, people would not ask insensitive or rude questions. But we don’t live in a perfect world. It took me a few years to find an appropriate answer that works well for me. When I enlighten someone, who is uninformed about lung cancer, I feel good. I think the newly enlightened person also feels good about learning something new.

What response works for you? Share your answers in the comments!