Who Am I After Lung Cancer?

My life has flown by like a whirlwind. I strived so hard through college, then began immediately working, and then I became pregnant 2 years after college. By the time 10 years of college rolled around, I was a single mom with a 7 year-old.

Becoming a mom and lung cancer fighter

Since my daughter was in second grade, I became a stay-at-home mom and lung cancer fighter. I was originally given a year to live, but it will be 10 this year. I was also diagnosed in 2012. So much progress has been made to try and make cancer a chronic condition rather than an immediate death sentence. Of course, this entire past decade I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, the cancer to spread. And it did spread in 2014 and 2019, leading to stereotactic body radiation.

Additionally in 2020. I had an acute stroke leaving me paralyzed on the left side and had to relearn how to walk during six weeks of rehab. It was extremely hard and I found out that over the past decade, I've had 4 strokes. How many people can really say that? They've been living with stage 4 lung cancer with mets to the brain and 4 strokes, yet still am mostly me. Some parts of my brain are dead, which affects my ability to think of words, short-term thoughts, and the ability to realize that I should stop doing something because I'm incapable. It's as if I think I'm batman or maybe even wonder woman.

Adjusting to new family changes

I have been the mom that is always around for her daughter. She comes to me about everything and luckily I have been able to get her through some of her incredible milestones. I've been able to attend almost all of her athletic events and take care of her when she is sick. And now, I'm helping her cope with the breakup of her first love. It's been such a relief.

I've always had so much to take care of between my daughter, preparing for death, bookkeeping, and redoing furniture. Well, now the economy is in the tank. Therefore, no one wants to buy extras so I've stopped redoing furniture. Although it was an amazing outlet, it's just not feasible financially anymore.

When Karley leaves for college next year, I will be unable to afford to live here. My rent has been extremely low because I have such a kind-hearted landlord who is allowing me to stay until Karley leaves. I will no longer be able to afford to live in this area. In fact, with just the dog and me, I don't know where I'm going. And who am I?

I will always be Karley's mom, but once she goes to college, I have my dog to take care of. She will be beginning her life independently and making her own choices, good or bad. I don't know what path she will choose. That is something she will decide. Unfortunately, I'm already starting to feel empty nest syndrome.

Who am I?

I imagined being married by now and my husband and I could spend our time together. And he would help me when my health starts to decline. How did I get here? I put Karley and her father's relationship first. Looking back, I would do it all again. I have no regrets, I'm only scared. I don't want to be a burden on my daughter, so I'm not going to allow myself to be taken care of by her, and would rather live in hospice.

But, between now and that point in the future, who am I? What am I to do with my free time that is actually free and I enjoy? This inflation is making me crazy, so crazy that I feel like I can't find out who I really am.