Whose Body Is This?

We all expect changes in our bodies as we age, but wow! I feel like I’m constantly looking in the mirror and asking the stranger staring back at me “what is this?!” Understandably, chemotherapy and other cancer drugs are really hard on our bodies. They have one goal in mind: to destroy.

My chemo routine

Every 3 weeks for the last 15 months, I’ve had cytotoxic chemicals pumped through my veins in hopes of stunting my cancer. These drugs affect every cell in my body. My skin is dry and saggy from dehydration, my hair is brittle, my poor GI system doesn’t even know how to function properly, rotating from one extreme to another, the brain fog is annoying and the fatigue...I hate the fatigue.

This is the second time I’ve done chemo for over a year. In between, I was lucky enough to respond to targeted therapy for my type of ROS1-driven lung cancer. That drug kept me stable for almost 5 years before having to add chemo again. As much as I try to prepare for it mentally, it’s nearly impossible. I clean, shop, and cook ahead of time so I don’t have to take care of anything for the next 6 days. Then I do a lot of lying around and watching TV that my brain can’t follow.

My mind feels young, but my body is aging

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful to actually be getting older. I truly look at each day as a gift and even if I’m just lying on the couch, I’m here with my family and dogs. But aging gracefully, I am not. I don’t like feeling old. My mind still feels young, but my body feels stiff, creaky, and broken. I’m 48 and I’ve always been active and love walking, hiking, and the water.

We recently bought paddleboards and I love being on the water. It’s peaceful and the views are stunning.

Coming to terms with myself

Last week (before chemo) we went to the lake and I had to carry by board up 6 steps and about 200 feet to my car. I had to stop twice to catch my breath. It made me sad that I couldn’t just walk. I look fine/mostly healthy on the outside but on the inside, I’m struggling. Then I get frustrated thinking, “I should be able to do this.” I try to practice grace and be gentle with myself, but it’s hard.

I’ve always pushed myself to do my best and be the best version of myself. Coming to terms with this version of myself is proving difficult. How do you do it?