Have I Become Numb to Loss?

Someone that I had met along the lung cancer journey passed away from the disease. She was a mom and wife, had an amazing career before she was diagnosed, and was loved by anyone she met. She was a fierce advocate and traveled the globe to find a treatment that would work. She built from the ground up two organizations, one that funded lung cancer research and one that helped kids whose parents were affected by cancer.

I found the news, as I always do, from a Facebook post. It has gotten increasingly difficult to open the Facebook app on my phone or on my computer because I never know when bad news will strike. A group of photos from her life was posted along with the message of her passing by her husband. I read the post and I didn’t cry. I closed out Facebook and started working.

I have written a few articles on survivor's guilt on my personal blog, here for LungCancer.net, and for another website. Survivor’s guilt is such a strong feeling that I could probably write ten more articles on the topic.

The guilty part of survivor's guilt

I have been living with Lung cancer now for eight years and have met a lot of wonderful people. Being a part of the Lung Cancer community is like a double-edged sword. It's not like bonding over a favorite hobby or a favorite musician. When we meet other survivors, we know that the thing that now bonds us may also be the thing that separates us.

Today, I felt the “guilt” part of survivor’s guilt. I was able to read the Facebook post, close out of my app, and move on with my day. I was able to work, participate in our work lunch, walk around a bunch, and then I closed the day by going to my nephew’s kindergarten spring concert. And I felt guilty for it. It’s a feeling that I would not wish upon my worst enemy.

Have I become numb to the losses?

We communicated via messenger and we were part of the same group of ladies all affected by lung cancer but I did not cry. I have in the past posted a memorial post of those taken by the disease. I would post a picture of us together, if available, or maybe a quote that’s fitting for the situation. But today I did not want to do that. Maybe the loss hurts so bad that I have not properly processed my feelings.

I am in my late thirties and something that I was not prepared for when I got diagnosed with lung cancer was all of the loss of life that I was grieving for in the coming years. I have met so many wonderful people and it stings. Death hurts my heart but also confuses me because I wonder why it isn’t me.

How do you handle losing friends and family to lung cancer and where does one go for support? Let me know in the comments.