It's Not Easy

Let me start at the beginning of my latest fiasco. I began getting headaches in November 2018. My next MRI was scheduled for February 2019 but I moved it to December. We wanted to be sure there were no brain mets.

The latest fiasco

I was almost certain something would show up, but it didn't. I asked for my scan to be read again and once again it was fine. So, I'm assuming it isn't cancer. I made the visit to my PCP who must think I'm a total drug addict. In fact, I think a lot of people do.

She scolded me for not going to a neurologist (although I went to a neurosurgeon) and set me up with a local ENT. The ENT (Ear, Nose, and Throat) doctor was very kind and understanding about the pain. His son has an inoperable brain tumor and so he knows how the system treats people who are really in pain and can't get medication. He apologized profusely and gave me as many nasal sprays he could find as samples and we schedule a CT of my sinus cavity for June.

My Mother's Day this year

I'm now out of pain medication. Hence, I'm writing this article at 1:25 a.m. in May. There are a few reasons I write at night. I think more about life and death and how everything could change in the blink of an eye.

So, I think the first reason is my Mother's Day. My daughter spent the weekend with her father and his mother. I apparently okay'd this although I've been taking pain meds. So, I invited a friend down. She left Sunday, Mother's Day at noon. My daughter arrived around 1 p.m, but I was in so much pain from the headaches I didn't feel like going out to eat or even cooking.

I've been teaching her how to cook here and there. We have some pasta roni in the cabinet. I asked if she would make it for me since I was in so much pain. She declined so my Mother's Day dinner was a bagel with cream cheese. And the only gift I got was the one I ordered myself. It's a hat that says "Cancer is an A-hole". Such a true statement.

Frustration bubbling over

But this Mother's Day my feelings were legitimately hurt. I've been pushing through this headache pain to do stuff for her. Both she and her father know this. Yet, after letting her spend the weekend with him and his mother, I didn't get so much as a card. Yes, we are not together anymore and he is a great father, but I think we are both failing at instilling some appropriate things in her.

Although, after yelling at him, which I shouldn't have done, he did tell me he took her shopping for me something and she told him she didn't see anything I would like so she would make me a card. This didn't happen. This mother's day is the second in a row I didn't get anything. I'm venting and will probably feel different later. But at this moment, this is how I feel. I'm a roller coaster.

Why I'm hurt and worry about next year's Mother's Day...

I sound so materialistic and this should be the last thing I'm worried about. But there are reasons I do worry. What if this is my last Mother's Day? Will my daughter ever forgive herself for not doing anything? I know her father will, but I don't want either of them living with that. So, along with the headache that makes everything so much worse, I had the worst Mother's Day ever but did talk to her about how it hurt my feelings so she understands she has to think of others.

I took to the internet and went to the place I feel the safest, my lung cancer people. They understand and sympathize. They also offered advice and shared some of there own horror stories so I didn't feel so alone. I really think you have to live through something like this to appreciate the full gravity of this small inconvenience.

Assumptions can be damaging

Then two days after Mother's Day, she brought me the sweetest homemade card. It is like a booklet. It is the BEST gift ever and I can see why I didn't get it on Mother's Day itself. She worked so hard on it. I was so worried she had strayed from being the sweet and sensitive girl I raised.

I guess sometimes we over exaggerate and the pain can just make it worse. Assumptions can be so damaging. She is my world.