Getting Through The Holiday Season

Christmas has always been my favorite time of year. It is a time that takes me back to my childhood when my family was complete and I felt all of the world was right. Although I knew my parents were heading for divorce, it really didn't bother me at the age of 14. I knew both of them loved me unconditionally. Growing up, we always made the trip from the south side of Atlanta to the Northside. Our whole family would get all dressed up.

Remembering my favorite family holiday

The homes were so enormous with their beautiful decorations. Sometimes we would just ride around. The smell of leather and cologne would always be in the cold air. My dad would wear his long black coat with his outfit and a matching scarf. My sister and I continued to go to that side of the family Christmas party almost every year.

At the Christmas of 2004, it was funny because my cousin came and introduced herself to me. I went on to have Karley two weeks later. Guessing she hadn't recognized me with all that weight. That was one of the last Christmas's we spent there. Family members were growing older and passing away. Our family began to lose touch. And in the end, the patriarch was my father. He lost all of his family. I never grasped the pain until this year.

Making the most of this year's holiday

When I lost him in March, I feel like my life has been a series of unfortunate events. I've also lost several lung cancer people who I absolutely adored. I thought 2020 was a dumpster fire. I was so wrong. This was the worst.

So, the plan for this year was to go to Atlanta a few days before Christmas and visit my mom. My daughter would leave on Christmas day to go on vacation with her boyfriend and family. At the last minute, everything changed.

My mother just returned from visiting my sister and her family in San Diego. Suddenly she began feeling very ill. She called and said she didn't think it was a good idea for my daughter and me to visit in case it was Covid. Although I've had the shots, I'm trying to see my daughter go to college so I will sit alone, no problem.

I miss my father, especially this time of year

I put up the Christmas tree in mid-November. I don't know when I'm going to take it down. My dad left his up from the day we learned my cancer was shrinking in 2014. With every good report, he would just stare at the angel.

After he passed, my sister and I went into the house. It was so awful. Everything was as if he were still there. His washcloth hanging on the road, his toothpaste out, a sweet tea on the table. It was surreal. And I can't stop thinking about him right now. Our last conversation was the night he passed. He was so happy when we talked and made plans for his birthday. I know he was gone about 2-3 hours later when I tried calling him back. He would've answered. In a way, I'm glad he didn't. He went Home happy, to be with the rest of his family before. No more pain or sorrow, or grief. My last call would've worried him.

My first Christmas alone

So, when my mom got sick, it was a devastating blow. I still leave flowers at his doorstep each time I go up. And now, the thought of her having Covid with her underlying conditions and age, I lost it. I went to the liquor store on Christmas Eve. I knew I would be alone for the first Christmas in my entire life. And I was. I bought the ingredients for my first favorite drink, the white Russian. Needless to say, those ingredients are gone now.

Finally, my adult therapeutic coloring book arrived. I began coloring and haven't stopped. It's like I've reverted in age. Sometimes I don't sleep so I can keep coloring. And that is how I survived Christmas. NYE was the same story. It's bad enough to have lung cancer, but not being able to see remaining family and friends over the holidays is brutal.