Feeling Fragile? It's Ok!!

I am fragile. I feel really flimsy and delicate lately. This is real talk in the raw. Sometimes I can't put a finger on why I feeling so sluggish, worn down, and just downright fragile.

Here are a few things that I can put a finger on.

Winter, post-holiday blues

It is all the hype and preparing and running here and there even in a pandemic. Making a point to be present in all of it. Trying to be safe, but also make some memories. Now it’s over and feels like utter sadness. My home returned to what felt like emptiness when I removed all of the twinkling lights and pretty reds and greens. It was back to business as usual and almost like it never happened. Post-holiday blues is a real thing for me and it always has been. It just seems super amplified this year.

Fear and anxiety

It’s fear and anxiety as if this was my last Christmas with my family on this earth. Will I get to be here for another? I hear people say next year they will do this or that and in my mind, I cannot help but wonder if I will get to have next year. I am so close to my 40th birthday and that excites me; however, I go into wondering will I see 41. I took all of these things for granted before. It's good to think about and savor these milestones and take these opportunities to may memories, but it seems like all too much sometimes.

Grieving the loss of a dear friend

It’s grieving the loss of a friend. It’s the guilt of survival. It’s the guilt of could I have done more for her. It’s also a bit selfish I guess — because it’s fear of my own family going through what I’m watching my friend’s family go through and there’s not a thing I can do about it. I can’t protect them. I can’t fix any of it. Mortality is tough at any time, but it’s extreme when you’re grieving a friend and wondering if you’re next.

Of course, none of us know our time to go, but some of us have been forced to think about it.

Hormones

Holy Smokes Batman!! I’m on the struggle bus! I’m tired beyond words! I’m either freezing or burning up. I’m mean as a den full of devils. I snap at anything in my path over absolutely nothing. I verbally assaulted the vacuum cleaner. My house looks like a tornado come through and I don’t care. My energy level is way worse than any chemo fatigue. I am two months out from a full hysterectomy and I hear that I better just buckle up and embraces all of these changes and learn some coping mechanisms.

Unrest and fatigue

I am tired but cannot sleep. I pray. I think. I read. I try to stay up and moving most of the day so, that when it's time to go to sleep, I can do that. I miss the days where falling asleep was easy. It's just not anymore. I am not sure the reason. I don't sleep all day. I have quit taking naps during the day. I limit my caffeine. I don't want to add another pill to the cocktail, but I just might be at a point of doing so. I don't feel like I have stress, but I suppose anyone that is walking a journey of cancer has stress.

All that said, I am ok

Even though I feel out of control, I am ok. I have hope of better days. I am alive. I have my life. I am ok even when it’s hard. I keep getting woke up every day. God has a plan for my life! He suffered on this earth and I am nowhere near suffering - just little mind games from the ole devil and some discomfort.

I am ok and even when I am not, it is still ok. We don't have to have it all together ALL of the time. It's just fine to acknowledge that we aren't, but we must somehow keep going. You do not have to pretend things are ok when they are not. Be present in your moments. Listen to your mind and body and what it is telling you and how you are feeling even on difficult days.

If you too are feeling fragile - it's ok!