Who Says You Can't Go Home?

I know what you all are thinking, "What did you do?" But to me, it was just going home. It was the home I had known my whole life. It's the home, regardless of what was going on in my life, I could count on going to. The home my parents purchased when I was approximately one. I lived there for 15 years straight.

My home when I was growing up

After my parents divorced, I lived with my mom until finishing high school. My dad and I didn't talk much because at that age both of my parents annoyed me. I went to Georgia State so was able to bounce around. My mom remarried and rented out her house. But my dad's house was still there. There were so many times I would have to unexpectedly go back.

In order to focus on college, my sweet little sis and I couldn't be in the same house. And then my dad and I grew closer throughout the years I lived there. We would spend hours playing cards and trying to teach him how to use the internet when it first came out was a complete disaster. Poor AOL.

My dad had a special bond with my daughter

I moved to Buckhead in Atlanta after college and lived with some of my best friends. And began dating John. It wasn't long until I was accepted to the MBA program at GA State that I found out I was pregnant. It wasn't a tough decision. I thought I was ready. And by God's grace, I had the support I needed to help me. Even though John got a job 5 hours away, he still helped out with Karley for the first 18 months. But there was so much I had to do on my own.

My mom went with me to her first of many ear surgeries. After a while, John and I couldn't afford two places so I had to break the lease on my apartment. That's when I went to live with my dad again. He absolutely adored Karley. I can't put into words how happy she made him. Even when we gave her her very first shot of bourbon or something (we forgot to heat up and mix the honey so the honey sunk and she had a straight shot before 2). I didn't think he would ever stop laughing.

This home was there for me through it all

It was at this home that I sought refuge 7 years later over the Thanksgiving holidays in 2012 because of my health. I lost my vision sporadically and on black Friday of that year began vomiting white stuff. I had headaches for 8 months and the docs never ran scans, just threw pain pills at me. I thought I, unfortunately, inherited my mother's migraines.

But, once I couldn't see, and I was laying on the very couch my father would pass away in 9 years later, I was able to muster enough energy to tell him I needed a hospital. He asked if he wanted him to take me or my mom. I figured he may get arrested but my mom always got stuff done too. I don't remember much. She had been watching Karley and I was visiting with friends until I had one take me to my dad's. I didn't want Karley to see me in such a state.

Mom picked me up and went to the local hospital where she demanded an MRI which showed a tumor. I was transferred to Piedmont downtown and had a craniotomy where I was officially diagnosed with lung cancer on November 27, 2012.

Collecting my dad's valuables

I began targeted therapy, and after about a year my tumors began shrinking. It was 2014 when my dad announced he wasn't taking his Christmas tree down until I was cancer-free. It was a permanent fixture.

Since he passed in March, I leave flowers at his doorstep every trip. This past trip I was curious as to what the new owners had done. They said we could get all of the valuables out when we sold it, but I couldn't fit everything I wanted. I wanted the magical Christmas tree. Every good scan he would turn and smile at the angel and thank the Lord.

When I looked in the windows I saw that nothing had been done. All of our estate sale info was still out and nothing had been cleaned as if it hadn't been touched since we left it. That's when I realized, I wanted that Christmas tree with the angel. It's an odd feeling going to a home that has been in your family for 41 years, yet it's no longer yours.

I had driven my dad's car up this past visit. As I sat, feeling defeated in his car, I looked up and saw his garage door opener on his visor. I said a short little prayer and pressed the button. And it opened! I went to the garage door and it was unlocked. And my scans came back better than they ever have. My blood suv was 1.8 and 2.0 is indicative of cancer. My dad always said he wouldn't take it down until my cancer went away. And although I know it's just dormant, it was time. I pulled in the garage and loaded up the tree and ornaments. And right now the angel sits on top of my current Christmas tree.

Passing our family tree on to another family

I ended up gifting his tree to a second-grade teacher whose father passed in October. Karley was in second grade when I was diagnosed. The teacher and I talked about how both of our dads loved playing Santa and would always make the children happy during Christmas. I would've never given it away, but I felt like both God and my dad were telling me to gift it. It wasn't going to bring my father back. So, I did. And she knows the magical story behind the magical Christmas tree that I cannot wait to see pics of.

I went home that day and felt my dad calling me there. And I got that tree and was able to make some little kids very happy. It's what he would've wanted. On this earth, there are just "things". That tree wasn't going to bring him back, so I made sure it would bring joy to other kids. He wouldn't want it any other way.

Sending love to everyone who has lost someone

It's a little scary now. I just surpassed 9 years living with this disease. And now, I know I really can't go to my earthly first home. The place I grew up with so many wonderful memories. The best was always Christmas.

Life is short. If you want something bad enough, go for it. You never know what tomorrow holds, so squeeze your loved ones. If I had the money I would totally buy the house back and fix it up. My dad was the last of the original neighborhood to pass. But I take comfort I will see him again. I already do in my dreams. And he looks so happy and well.

I know this will be a hard Christmas for so many of us who have lost loved ones, to lung cancer or wherever. But just know, believing in the Lord with all of your heart will reunite you both again one day. I don't want to leave yet but I'm looking forward to seeing him again.