The Depression Stigma

Depression became a big deal for me once the shock of learning I had stage 4 lung cancer wore off. It was like a reaction when you find out you're pregnant, except not the depressed part. When I found out I was pregnant with Karley, I took 6 tests to confirm. Overkill? For sure since they all said "pregnant".

And then my lung cancer spread

As with any life changing event, I wanted to make sure I was doing everything to save my life. My last stop on my lung cancer diagnostic tour was at MD Anderson in Houston, TX. They were prepping me for surgery since my previous CT scan showed one of my lungs had active cancer, but MD Anderson performed their own CT scan. The oncologist called me while out there and requested I come in on her day off. I knew this couldn't be good.

When I arrived, she informed me that she canceled all further surgery prep since I had numerous nodules showing active cancer in both lungs now. This was a devastating blow. I wanted out of the cancer game. The oncologist told me she was putting me on Tarceva, a one a day targeted therapy drug. To me, this wasn't fighting, this was maintenance. But I'm not a doctor.

Falling apart after diagnosis

Once telling me the operation was off, I went into complete hysterics. How could this happen to me at 33 years old? I was going to die and now I knew it. I was going to leave my daughter alone in this world, without her mother.

Of course, my full-fledged mental breakdown quickly earned myself into the psychiatric ward where I had to wait to see the psychiatrist. It was a rather expensive visit I would later come to find out. I wasn't leaving MD Anderson without them making sure I wasn't at potential risk to myself or others.

I cried throughout the entire session. Looking back, I now know this was a normal reaction. At the time, I was a blubbering mess. God had abandoned me, or so I believed. The psychiatrist spoke with me for about 30 minutes and prescribed antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and medication to help me sleep. Bad thoughts never stop racing through my head.

Finding balance with physical and mental health

It took a few weeks for the antidepressants to kick in. Once I realized they weren't working, I saw my local psychiatrist. We tried several different options until I was finally able to tolerate one and use it to this day. I also take my anti-anxiety medications and sleep medications.

With these, I can sleep throughout the night and still nap. I'm on disability. Part of that reason is my body tells me I need this additional rest.

Depression is real

Recently, I was verbally attacked by someone who told me to lay off the antidepressant pills. I was also called a few foul names, but I brushed them off. Some people can be ruthless. However, this conversation led me to write this article.

As many of you know, I am a very big Christian. I'm by no means perfect. I make mistakes, swear sometimes, and other sinful practices. God gave his only son to die for our sins. It's not like I'm out there purposely sinning, but I do slip.

I am sometimes told that I am basically a druggie for the antidepressants and need God in my life. If anything, I want you to please take this away from my article. Depression is real, I don't care how much you try to prevent it or look to God. It is debilitating. I was told to lay off the antidepressants so I wouldn't need naps so much. This statement couldn't be further from the truth. I'm awake because I take them.

We all need help sometimes

I'm not a doctor so am not advising you follow in my footsteps. But, there is nothing to be ashamed of by taking antidepressants. We all need help sometimes. My need for help happens to be situational, but it will be there forever.

So, I'm taking the time to write this article so you don't feel alone. Seek help if you feel lost.  Antidepressants are nothing to be ashamed about. Don't let anyone berate you for it or talk down to you either. I let it roll off of my back. Christians do not live without sin. And quite frankly, it's not a sin to be sad sometimes. So, I'll continue to take my antidepressants and tell the world about it. I am not ashamed. I feel the people that judge me for this should be ashamed. We only have one being to judge us, and He is waiting for us.