And... I Cry

Three days before Christmas, one of my longtime friends lost her only child in a car accident. Devastation doesn't begin to describe what happened. When I was diagnosed, she was always concerned about me. So, she and our other long time friend began making arrangements for her son. Let me just say, this is was one of the most devastating funerals I've been to. My mind cannot take me to where she is at this moment. No parent should have to bury their child. Yet, they do. I gave the Eulogy and other readings at the service. God kept me strong and I didn't cry or waver but spoke from the heart.

Taking time to cry

When the service was over, we had a small reception with his favorite playlist. My song to Karley, "My Wish", by Rascal Flatts came on. At that moment, I cried. I remained stoic at his passing, planning, comforting, and memorial. Knowing this kid since he was 8, and him leaving us at 22, came at a very hard price. But I wanted to remain strong for my friend. While in the kitchen cleaning, the floodgates opened. Luckily she was not present for my meltdown. Not for just my daughter, but for her and her family. Also, for every family that has to suffer this kind of devastating loss. She didn't get to say goodbye. It was a car accident.

There's no easy way

Seeing her go through this makes me realize that there is no easy or better way out of this life. In one brief moment, 22 years of life was gone. They were not getting along and were never able to make amends. On the other hand, there is cancer. You may get to make amends, say goodbye and I love you, while all along watch your loved one slowly and painfully waste away. You want to take away their pain, but you can't.

And, one of the worst ways of all, is to befriend so many people that you know may not make it because of this disease. It's a constant heartache. Just when you think a new year will bring about some good news, you lose someone. When you read this, she, she will be gone, and there isn't a thing in this world we can do about it. All I can do is wait for the inevitable. And for most of us, that's what we all do. We get stronger when it comes to losing people, it just never gets easier.

Mourning future moments

My heart is full of scars where so many have made an impact on my life and now they are gone. Quickly, slowly, it makes no difference. They are not with us on earth anymore. So, I cry. I cry because I will miss each and every one of them, but I also cry in fear of my own mortality. I want to see my daughter graduate from high school and college. And, maybe watch her get married and hold a grandchild. These are all things I hope and pray for but know, in all probability will not happen, so I cry.

The friend I've been speaking about, the one cancer is taking from us, merely wants to make sure her grandchildren remember her. To me, this isn't a lot to ask. We know now, that's not possible. Of course, my friend could live on through stories and pictures her children share and they will see each other again one day at those pearly gates. But, it's hard to think about that in the "now". With this whirlwind of emotions and feelings overwhelming us, we panic. We try to stop time but we can't. And I cry.