What is Going On My Inspiration?

I was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer not even a month after my 33rd birthday. There are some days that are so great or so horrible, you never forget them. For instance, when my daughter was born, January 15, 2005. Such a day of joy. Graduating from college on December 22, 2002. But there are days that are horribly ingrained in us that we can never forget.

Days I never forget

For me, like most people reading this, are 9/11/01 and 11/27/2012. Of course, every one of my age remembers exactly what they were doing and where they were when 9/11 happened. Not many people remember 11/27/2012. I had just had a craniotomy to remove a malignant tumor and was still in the hospital when the doctors told me I had stage 4 lung cancer. I don't think there is a word for the fear, hopelessness, and sadness that crept into my soul. At this point, I'm barely 33 and a single mom. My world just crashed and all of my dreams crushed.

Coming to terms with my diagnosis

After multiple opinions, I earned myself a spot at MD Anderson's psychiatric clinic. I couldn't believe what they charge for 30 minute sessions. I also thought to myself, "How in the hell do they expect me to react?". This isn't the Green Mile or any other dead man walking movie. This is my life, and now, my death that I'm dealing with.

Of course, the first year is the hardest. I actually made goodbye videos to my daughter and planned my funeral. Why did I plan my funeral? I don't want to put my family through trying to figure out what would make me happy.

Playing the hand I was dealt

After the first couple of years, my scans kept coming back stable. I rejoiced in this and eventually became so comfortable that I forgot to make appointments for newer scans. When I made the appointments, I would forget when they were.

Year 5 of living with lung cancer hit and I celebrated so much. I was still stable and able to feel good most days. After all, we are all dealt a hand of cards, it's what we do with them that matters. We can't control the hand we get.

My friends give me hope

I've had my ups and downs of advocacy. Some days I feel I can't do it anymore, especially after losing someone close or whom I've known for years. Since diagnosis, I've met some people that have led me to really believe in great expectations. I am going on year 7 in November, but some of the people that have inspired me have lived 10 years past that.

Recently, quite a few survivors wound up progressing. As one of my friends who is progressing put it, "It's like we all synced up our periods at the same time". She's always keeping me laughing. In fact, each of the people I'm referring to all keeps me laughing. The positive attitude they show in the midst of turmoil is infecting. I'm so blessed to have these long term survivors to show me that it can be done.

Love while we can

But, the fear began when one of my dear friends had a recurrence after 18 years. Now he is fighting for his life. Of course, he is keeping his humor and fight as this cancer is back with a vengeance. Then, slowly, I began to find more long term survivors progressing, including the person I first looked up too. This is scary, especially when you think of your own mortality.

The only comfort I take is that God will find a way. And, if He decides it's my time, I'm okay with that. After all, none of us are getting out of this life alive. At least we get to love and forgive while we can.