Caregiving is Hard

Sometimes the cancer patient becomes the caregiver. Whether for a spouse or a family member, it can be overwhelming. This was the case for me when my mother fell and broke her wrist. My mom lives about 90 miles from me and had actually been over to visit and care for me as I wasn’t feeling well after receiving my second vaccination. My husband was at work and so I asked her if she would mind coming over to assist with meals and my home. Of course, she agreed. After a couple of days, she returned home only to trip and break her wrist, so the roles reversed rather quickly.

My mom's injury

My mom broke her dominant hand and lives alone, so it was up to me to help. So, I basically moved in with her for a week at the time, and then we would travel to my home and spend the next week there. We alternated back and forth for 5 weeks until she was able to gain somewhat mobility of her hand and wrist again. I was the chef, the house cleaner, the nurse, the chauffeur, and ultimately the caregiver. To say that I was exhausted was an understatement, but what other option did I have? I finally got into a schedule and learned how to go about things to make them easier and simpler, but it was a 24/7 job.

I had a sudden realization of how overwhelming caregivers must feel for us on a cancer journey. The responsibility is massive. The worry of your loved one brings anxiety and the wonder of are really doing good or do they need something that they are not just telling me. Let’s break those three things down a bit further.

The responsibility of a caregiver

Whether you are a friend, a spouse, or a family member that lives with your patient or not, you do not stop thinking about their needs beyond your own most days especially when the patient is so sick that they can hardly get out of bed. I have said over and over again that it is often easier to walk through a cancer journey than to watch a loved one on the journey. You are required to not only tend to their daily needs but also assisting with doctor’s appointments. The caregiver will likely need advance notice to work around their personal schedule and often times work schedule. I will go alone to the doctor on lab days, but I need my husband with me for scan days and he has to put in leave in advance in order to do so.

The worry of your loved ones

I know it must be so hard to just have to sit and wait on the results of a loved one because it is hard on us. However, it must be really daunting for the caregiver as you remain positive on the outside for your patient and extra careful not to share your worries or anxieties.

My husband is the most positive person when it comes to my cancer journey, however, he is also sometimes a glass half empty guy and I know he must feel my anxiousness when scan day rolls around. However, he doesn’t even express it. I know it’s there, but he doesn’t mention it. It must be so hard to keep that in when you are truly hopeful for more runway for your loved one. This process must be so exhausting to watch.

Are they really ok?

My husband asks me all the time when he notices my personality change and my demeanor change if everything is ok. Sometimes I can’t put a finger on why I am feeling low, so I just answer that I am fine. He will ask again a few hours later about the reasoning behind my feelings. He can feel my energy of course. I often say that I am sad and can’t really put a finger on why I feel that way. Somedays I just feel lousy emotionally also. Our caregivers must feel so helpless to want to help us lace up our boots in an attempt to pull us out of the funk but can’t.

No matter what, we keep going for our loved ones

Whether you are the cancer patient or the caregiver, the only thing that matters is that we keep going. For the caregivers, don’t feel guilty if you can’t do something for us, make it better or take it away from us. We know that you want to and trust me we would take it all off like a pair of dirty socks quick and fast. We often feel like a burden and we don’t want to bother you. You are doing great and we appreciate everything you do for us.

To the cancer patient that feels guilty for asking for help, don’t. You didn’t ask for this. You didn’t sign up for this. You are a warrior pushing through every single day. It’s ok to ask for assistance. Our caregivers want to help and want to love us through the journey. Let them!