Cancer Scars
There is a song from the nineties by the band Goo Goo dolls called “name”. In this song, there is a lyric, and it is “scars are souvenirs you never lose”. This often plays in my head when I think of this lung cancer diagnosis. I have physical and emotional scars from this disease.
My physical cancer scars
The physical scars that I carry with me are from the VAT surgery that I had done in 2016. I was in a clinical trial and it was found that the lung cancer had progressed in the lower left lobe of my lungs. My oncologist decided to try to remove this so that I could stay in the trial. I now am the proud owner of three very small scars on my back and the side of my body. I feel that this surgery was a success even though I did eventually get out of that clinical trial.
I also have long terms scars in the form of neuropathy. The second clinical trial that I was in gave me neuropathy in both my hands and my feet. I'm am about two years out from being in this trial and I still have the effects but not as bad.
The most noticeable scar for me is my port scar. I had my port installed in Boston, and I was not a fan of the idea. However, it worked out for me in the end. I found it to be very useful for blood draws and scans. When I found out that I was hired for my current position I decided that I wanted it removed. Like somehow that would make me normal and not a cancer patient. I messaged my doctor and she agreed to let me get it removed. You can sometimes see this scar when I wear a low-cut shirt.
Two other scars that I have that are not really scars include the changing of my hair and that I now get cramps in all sorts of body parts if I do not drink enough water in the day. I have to mention my hair because as I go through this cancer diagnosis it keeps changing. My hair was always wavy but now it is super wavy. I consider myself lucky for never having lost my hair. I now drink so much water that I purchased myself a half-gallon jug to keep with me to remind me to drink water!
There are emotional scars too
The emotional scars that I have now because of cancer include PTSD, survivor's guilt, and rock-solid mental health. I know that PTSD is a touchy subject for some people but as a cancer patient, I feel that I have it. I get nauseous when I fly into Boston because that is where I flew into for the clinical trial. I have a hard time being in the city of Chicago because that is where I first received chemo.
I have a hard time understating why I am still here and so many of my peers are not. I have a slight case of survivor's guilt. So much so that I have written a few articles on the subject already, both personal and published.
My scars remind me of my strength
The last thing that I will talk about is mental health. I believe that I had a great foundation for myself prior to lung cancer and that has helped me cope with the devastating idea that this disease could be terminal. I worked myself up to working full time again, I have a great relationship and I love my fur babies.
As the Goo Goo Dolls said, scars are souvenirs you never lose. My cancer scars remind me of what I have been through and just how strong I have been.
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