I'm not sure how many people know that Josh, my 2 year relationship, and called it quits in early spring. Full disclosure, I had my cancer come back the previous June. He was supportive at the time. I went through radiation again and came home.
This past year has been challenging
Then, a few days before my 40th birthday, I had several strokes. And on top of all of this, I had been on my cycle for a year. I finally got my oncologist and gynecologist to communicate about what type of birth control I could use. The process took forever and finally, this past February, I got a new IUD.
Within this past year, I have a lot going on and was in a severe funk. I was always tired and not intimate at all. Well, some people can't handle that I came to find out. It wasn't even a whole year - June 2019 through February 2020. We didn't have confirmation that the radiation killed the tumor as of February. We learned it did this past July and we celebrated.
It's about how you treat someone in their darkest
What takes away a little of my faith in mankind is how someone can treat you at your darkest. Josh and I began dating in 2018. He never moved in with me but was more than happy to eat the meals I bought and cooked, drink my waters, and go on various lung cancer trips.
For over a year we are good, things get rough, and he starts staying home and working out. I'm not an idiot. I knew what he was doing, getting ready to leave.
I had to get a biopsy before my IUD because of some inflammation that resembled cancer. Thankfully it wasn't. During this period he began picking fights with me. Once again, knew what he was doing. So, between the time I had the biopsy and got a new IUD, he decided we need a break. I went along with it, one less mouth to feed.
The break up
The day I got my IUD, so I could go back to some sort of intimacy, he decided to tell me he didn't think we were working together and I didn't show him attention.
I'm sorry, I was financially drained, mentally exhausted, and I wasn't catering to him. If you know me, you know that I don't handle selfishness very well. I politely (just kidding) asked him to come remove everything he owned from my house that day. I had gone through the entire IUD ordeal for him. Cancer can make you feel unattractive enough already.
Going our separate ways
He came to pick up his things and wanted to be my friend. He kept insisting I was his best friend. No, you don't leave your best friend when the crap hits the fan. But that is exactly what he did to me. I told him to leave and someone that is supposed to not only love you but be your best friend, does not act in such a way.
He wanted to keep one of my keys to watch the animals when I got scans. Well, the first time I asked him in July, he said he didn't want to. I demanded my key back. He brought it and was trying to talk about how we should remain friends. I was furious and needless to say, my daughter and I are much happier. I'm sure he is too.
My primary focus is my daughter
Maybe he'll find someone who will worship him. I have cancer and don't have time for that. My primary focus is, and will always be, my daughter.
I get very protective and do not like nonparents trying to tell me how to parent. They should have their own kids if that's what they want. Now, I feel much more comfortable in my own home doing what I want when I want.
Do you find that staying zen through your lung cancer diagnosis has helped you in your journey?